Thursday, June 10, 2010

Stay STD free - a guest post by Andrew Hall

Andy Hall is the entertaining writer of "Laughing in Purgatory" and he's contributed a marvelously humorous post on a topic that might otherwise bring tears to the eyes, gnashing of teeth and a sense of burning to your privates.  You'll recognize Andy's unique style from having read him in recent blog Carnivals.  I hope you'll all enjoy this sample of Andy's writing as much as I have... Doc

Stay STD free  -  by Andrew Hall

Hi! I really shouldn’t sound so chipper. There has been something weighing on my mind… on my very soul. You see I’m and adulterer. It’s true I adulterate a lot and my wife of 15 years (or is it 16?) may not like it. On a slow day I commit adultery only 20 times or so (it’s difficult to keep count, I’m a busy guy). The days where I adulterate the most is when I go to the gym where there
are many hot women. I get a lot of adulterating done there. In an hour there could be well over 50 discrete episodes.

Wow! I feel better now. That’s a big load off my chest.

However, you may have some questions. You may or may not know it but I’m a fairly busy guy. I work full time, watch after my kids, cook, clean, do laundry, write/direct an occasional short film, and blog like a madman. What’s my time management secret to get all that stuff done and still squeeze in the adultery? There may also the question of my constitution. How can I commit adultery 50 times in an hour? I’m very motivated. 

Kidding aside, I will let you in on how I do it. I put my faith in God almighty. All things are possible with him and in the case of adulterating I don’t even have to try very hard,
“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28
See? Jesus Christ has said it himself! When I check out a woman God treats it's just like I'm having sex with her! God is sooooo wise. Sure, I'm going to burn in eternal Hellfire (it's for the best God is always right you know), but I don't have to worry about getting any nasty STDs. It's all part of HIS plan

What? You say God doesn't want me to commit "virtual" STD free adultery? Wrong my friends! If God didn't want adultery to occur then he wouldn't have created the male sex drive. I see this as damage control for the Big Guy. He made this insane instinct for us to procreate (I don't think using that word is a sin...evolution definitely but not procreate) as a way to spread the "seed."  But we can't have seed spreading everywhere all time nothing would get done! So if he limits the spread of our seed via virtual means (our imagination) then everyone wins! Some seed will physically go where it needs to, stuff gets done, and an ample amount of imaginary adultery occurs that will cause every male to go to Hell for sure.

Am I saying the system is rigged?
Am I saying God wants us to go to Hell?
Am I saying I would like a corned beef sandwich on rye with mustard?

I have said many things and will continue to do so. My belief in God compels me regardless of the dictates of reason or common sense. That's what I all faith!

.Stay STD free  -  by Andrew Hall

No comments:

Post a Comment


Join the best atheist themed blogroll!