Stay STD free - a guest post by Andrew Hall

Andy Hall is the entertaining writer of "Laughing in Purgatory" and he's contributed a marvelously humorous post on a topic that might otherwise bring tears to the eyes, gnashing of teeth and a sense of burning to your privates.  You'll recognize Andy's unique style from having read him in recent blog Carnivals.  I hope you'll all enjoy this sample of Andy's writing as much as I have... Doc

Stay STD free  -  by Andrew Hall

Hi! I really shouldn’t sound so chipper. There has been something weighing on my mind… on my very soul. You see I’m and adulterer. It’s true I adulterate a lot and my wife of 15 years (or is it 16?) may not like it. On a slow day I commit adultery only 20 times or so (it’s difficult to keep count, I’m a busy guy). The days where I adulterate the most is when I go to the gym where there

are many hot women. I get a lot of adulterating done there. In an hour there could be well over 50 discrete episodes.

Wow! I feel better now. That’s a big load off my chest.

However, you may have some questions. You may or may not know it but I’m a fairly busy guy. I work full time, watch after my kids, cook, clean, do laundry, write/direct an occasional short film, and blog like a madman. What’s my time management secret to get all that stuff done and still squeeze in the adultery? There may also the question of my constitution. How can I commit adultery 50 times in an hour? I’m very motivated. 

Kidding aside, I will let you in on how I do it. I put my faith in God almighty. All things are possible with him and in the case of adulterating I don’t even have to try very hard,

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28

See? Jesus Christ has said it himself! When I check out a woman God treats it's just like I'm having sex with her! God is sooooo wise. Sure, I'm going to burn in eternal Hellfire (it's for the best God is always right you know), but I don't have to worry about getting any nasty STDs. It's all part of HIS plan

What? You say God doesn't want me to commit "virtual" STD free adultery? Wrong my friends! If God didn't want adultery to occur then he wouldn't have created the male sex drive. I see this as damage control for the Big Guy. He made this insane instinct for us to procreate (I don't think using that word is a sin...evolution definitely but not procreate) as a way to spread the "seed."  But we can't have seed spreading everywhere all time nothing would get done! So if he limits the spread of our seed via virtual means (our imagination) then everyone wins! Some seed will physically go where it needs to, stuff gets done, and an ample amount of imaginary adultery occurs that will cause every male to go to Hell for sure.

Am I saying the system is rigged?

Am I saying God wants us to go to Hell?

Am I saying I would like a corned beef sandwich on rye with mustard?

I have said many things and will continue to do so. My belief in God compels me regardless of the dictates of reason or common sense. That's what I all faith!

.Stay STD free  -  by Andrew Hall

Calling all God-believers: Pray for a 23 hour day.

I wonder if we can get the help of Christians, Jews and Muslims to do a little prayer work?  If they call on their God to spin the Earth a tad faster and give us a 23 hour day, we might be able to solve our global warming problem in short order.

I hope I've figured it out correctly... I'm thinking that a 23 hour day will yield a cooling effect on the atmosphere. (I'd hate to get it wrong and make things worse - so help me out her if I'm screwed up.)

But what about about it prayer people?  You're hooked into the main man.  Get us the "spin" we need and a few months of shorter days, 23 hour days.  Let's see if that will help us all out of a jam.

(... or give up your wacko ideas about gods and prayer and sell that gas guzzling SUV.) 

.Calling all God-believers: Pray for a 23 hour day.

A prescription for theists:

Take thee of: one holy book and one black marking pen.
Instructions: line-out whatever does not suit your true beliefs.

Thomas Jefferson took an honest approach to his attachment to the Bible and he did exactly what I've suggested above.  In fact, he selected out those passages he agreed with and cut and pasted them into his own personal book of Bible beliefs - the Jefferson Bible.  As far as I know, his example hasn't been repeated by anyone, yet it should have become a common practice.

There is little doubt in my mind that people today, Christians for example, have severe doubt about what their Holy scripture says on many, many counts.  It's obvious that Christians almost universally disagree with the Bible's attitude supporting slavery.  Yet, they boast of believing their Bible.  A great many people will also find the attitudes found in scripture toward homosexuality are reproachful, and so will there be those who would take intellectual issue with their Bible's ideas of crime and punishment, witchery, creation and miracles, etc..

Jefferson recognized that his own disagreement with certain notions of the Bible warranted taking liberty to edit-out what he could not find agreeable.  In my opinion, it was a very wise step for him to take and it rewarded him by yielding a more useful book, his own personal Bible.

It just seems right that for anyone claiming to follow the Bible or the Koran or Torah to be able to make his claim as honestly as he can, his holy book ought to reflect not only what he believes but also NOT reflect what he does not or cannot believe.

Theists... today is a good day to begin.  Grab your marking pens and read through (or line through) the scriptures.  Be like Jefferson.  Be honest with yourself.

.A prescription for theists:   

Getting at the real deal:

God-believers... try this.  Whether you are a Jew a Muslim or a Christian (including Catholics and Mormons,) this is a "must do" exercise for all of you who wish to think of yourselves as being true to your belief.  (I include Muslims in this Bible reading exercise simply because it is a religion as grounded in the Biblical God, the God of Abraham, as much as all the others and without which it could not exist.) 

Right now, re-read and reconsider your thoughts about the first four words of the Bible - actually only the first three  will be necessary for most of you, if you are honest.  "In the beginning, God..."

If you haven't examined "In the beginning..." for its suggested meaning, its implications, do so now.  Do you actually see any reason to think that a true beginning ever was?  Is it true - could it be possible - that there was once a starting point before which nothing - absolutely nothing - was?  (Even the Big Bang Theory rejects the notion of a "beginning".)  Did everything that is (including your god if you believe that way) pop up from nothing as these words imply?  Do you have any real experience or knowledge of anything at all from nature , from your own life or from the experience of others (other than this biblical proposed beginning) of anything real and tangible actually popping up out of nothing...?  Has even science found anything - even the slightest thing - to suggest that something could possibly come for absolutely nothing - arising from no precursors at all?

In fact "In the beginning..." is quite a preposterous notion.  It is so highly unlikely that a "beginning" from nothing could have been or ever occurred that choosing to read on to the next word of the Bible, "God", is moot.... quite pointless.

Think about it... religious beliefs are not grounded upon anything real.  Not even from their beginning, beginning with the words "In the beginning..."  Religion fails to adequately explain the reality of nature and of our being a small part of it.  It's time to set religious nonsense aside.

.Getting at the real deal: